An offer almost too good to refuse

As you can see, I’m trying out a new format this week. Let me know what you think in the comments section below.

Also, I should put a language and content warning on this one for those of you sensitive to words containing asterisks.

The Review

We all know the rivalry and the brotherhood we have with our cousins across the ditch. It’s always been a love/hate relationship. We love them for giving us Russell Crowe (most of the time), Keith Urban, Rebecca Gibney and lesbian icon, Lucy Lawless. We hate them for taking the Bledisloe and World Cups.

We forgive them for beating us in the second test in Tasmania last year, if only because they hardly ever get close to us, and we also have a soft spot for Dan Vettori, Richard Hadlee and the Crowe brothers (the latter tearing us up in the 1980s).

I’m happy to report that they’ve given me something to crow about with Monteith’s Black Beer.

It smells sweet and fresh in the bottle, and pours like sars. It tastes immedediately of coffee and caramel, but gives a slight aftertaste of burnt toffee. I have a mouth full of sweet teeth, so just writing that makes my mouth water.

It’s another of those beers that isn’t overly gassy, so it tingles your tongue. I like how you don’t feel like you’re drinking a mouthful of air as well as the beer.

Although not quite as sweet as Engine Oil and a little drier, this would make a great winter session beer because it’s not as filling as the UK brew I tried last week.

At $3.60 a bottle ($52.99 a carton), this is a mid-shelfer.

The Post

I’ve been wanting to do a post on the shit that comes into my email box for ages but most of it’s been relatively boring. Things like:

• offers for replica Rolexes (as opposed to those nasty fake ones)
• Gambling offers (‘Free $300 credit when you JOIN NOW!’)
• Free viagra (I read it as “free vagina once” and almost clicked through)
• College f*ck books (‘Two hot college girls want to sleep with you this weekend.’ Such a pity I’m always busy – with my Wife!)
• Fifty Shades of Grey alert from Amazon. Oh wait, that was a legitimate one. (And literary fiction? Seriously, Amazon?)

But one that landed in my inbox this week looked pretty legit. It was from facebook with the subject ‘Re:’. Now anyone who knows me, knows I just can’t go past an email with the subject ‘re:’. I mean, ‘re:’ what? It could be anything, right?

So I took a look.

(The email in italics, and my comments underneath).

BABE… i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been? In case u dont know who this is its ME TORI.. we used to chat a bit on facebook and then I think u deleted me 🙁

First things first – I live in Australia. The only Tori’s we have here are imported. I have never, ever in my 36 years, known a Tori.

Oh, but I’ve been good. Thanks for asking. And I hate to be pedantic but you know me – I’m a writer so spelling’s kinda important. It’s ‘trying’ not ‘tryign’.

anyways guess what… I got 2 things to tell u..  1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up about 3 months ago… and 2) guess where im moving?

RIGHT EFFING NEAR U

Oh see, now that’s really unlucky, because I’ll be moving soon to a small town far, far ,far away. Sorry about your break-up though. That’s sad, right? (By the way, there’s the reason for your content warning right there – I hope no-one’s offended by Tori’s use of ‘effing’, especially since she YELLED it).

I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally can HAHA! …maybe even help me move my shit in…

I don’t drive so you’ll have to move your own shit in. Sorry.

And I tell so many people they’re cute, I’ve lost track. You’ll have to remind me who you are.

ok so more info about me.. well im 23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named BOO and i luv her to death… uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but every gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all that..

You should have mentioned your kitty earlier. I totally would have clicked through right then. I also love how you evaded my filter by using ‘p0rn’ instead of ‘porn’. That show’s you’re smart. I like smart women.

 
i hope u remmeber me and still wanna chill and arent married yet lol..

Does it matter if I am if I tell you I’m not?

I’m so happy you’re only contacting me because you want my help, and not because you want my business.

I do think you should get your laptop fixed though, otherwise your webcam chats could end up looking like they were filmed in a nightclub with strobe lights, all jumpy and pixelated.

Oh no problem. I don’t like sharing anyway. Plus, it’s Ms, but whatever.

Wow, I think I’ve got a good one here. What do you think?

On the up side, at least her english is readable, even with the bad spelling.

One question though, who wants the free codes?