This post brought to you by Uncle David and Kilkenny Draught.
Uncle David: “I think this is Mother’s Milk.”
Aunty Luella: “Mmm, not bad. Oh no, very bitter aftertaste. Blech!”
Wifey: “Beer. Yuck”
Me: Beautiful rich syrupy colour. Love watching this beer settle in the glass. Looks like sarsparilla cordial when first poured, and then the bubbles start appearing and moving up to settle on the top. The widget in the can gives it a milky, creamy head. Very refreshing. Will definitely have this one again.
$15.99 for a 4-pack from The Beer Store.
I’ve decided to change it up a little bit today, as I’ve been inspired by a regular article in one of the Courier Mail’s mags called “I went to [insert place here] and this is what I saw”. This is my version.
I went to my local shopping centre and I saw…….
more crack than a plane trip from Thailand, and more underwear than in a lingerie catalogue. And that was just at the front door in the smokers’ non-smoking area.
Context: It was school holidays, and it was Thursday, and for anyone who’s never had anything to do with centrelink, Thursday is pension day.
I got crack framed by g-string thanks to a young mother bending over a pram digging around in the huge cavern those 4WD buggy things have underneath them now. She was down there so long I slowed my walking pace to see what on earth she was looking for, and lo-and-behold, she stood up brandishing her pack of ciggies, and proceeded to light up and blow smoke right into her kid’s face. Man I hate that. And they tell me and wifey that we shouldn’t be having kids because of our “lifestyle”?
And what’s with the guys fashion these days? I’ve found there’s two distinct variations – 80’s vomit and “I’m too poor to buy new clothes so I wear my 6-year-old brother’s pants and my dad’s XXL t-shirts. And I wear my cap-brims straight cos that’s how I roll.”
I lived through the 80’s. I was a child of the 80’s. I loved the 80’s. The 80’s had great music, running bare-foot on the family farm, Slip’n’Slide, the best-worst cricket team in the world, Twisties ads, Dunlop Volleys and Funny Face iceblocks.
Now I’d have no problems with any of those coming back. In fact I still listen to the music, the cricket team is looking like the best of the worst and I can probably see those old Twisties ads on youtube.
However, the skin-tight jeans bunched at the ankle, with high-tops with the tongue hanging out or alternatively, slip-on shoes? Paired with sheer v-necked t-shirts and fab teased-to-an-inch-of-its-life hair? 80’s vomit. That stuff should never come back. I even saw leg warmers the other day. That stuff doesn’t even look good in faded photographs taken by film camera with a dodgy flash (yes kids, we had to wait to see our photos once).
And don’t get me started on the low-slung jeans fad. Oh ok, I’ll get me started. Is your package really that big that you need lots of wrapping which makes you walk like you’ve ridden a horse all your life? You know the people who can’t help themselves and have to fix your collar or tuck in your shirt tag? I wish someone would be brave enough to walk over to one of those guys and say “Oh, sorry but your jocks are annoying me. Let me just fix that for you” and pull up their damn pants to their waist where they should be sitting. There is one funny thing about those pants though and that’s watching those guys digging around at the backs of their knees to find their wallets.
I’m not entirely sure why they call it fashion “sense”, as most people, (myself included on occasion) definitely do not have any sense about what they should and should not be wearing.
Take the guy I saw a few months ago, same shopping centre, and again on a Thursday (I know, I’m such a snob!). He was wearing those “fat” jeans 10 sizes too big that everyone was wearing a decade ago, in purple, with cowboy boots. And they were too short. Plus, he was wearing one of those replica American Football jerseys, the mesh ones, and a, wait for it……… Akubra! That’s right ladies and gentleman, he got lost on his way to Mardi Gras. I’m being judgemental – sorry. Who knows if the guy was gay, but I do know one thing for sure. There was definitely no girlfriend – or there wasn’t after she saw that get-up.
I watched as he walked into Myer, and for a second wanted sirens to go off and Trinny and Susannah, or (even better) Carson Kressley to jump out from behind a mannequin, look him up and down and say “Oh no. No, no, no, no, no” and whisk him off to give him a good lesson in what not to wear.
But the young-uns aren’t the only ones making bad fashion choices. This time it was down-town on a windy winter’s day here on the range, which for those of us who have any sense – 10 layers. Not this brave soul though. Oh no.
At first I just saw her from the back. Long blonde hair to the middle of her back, tight little black skirt, a halter top, and teetering heels. She turned, and that’s when I almost embarrassed myself by laughing out loud. The woman had to be in her 50’s (at least) and you know, if she did a little bit of exercise on her abs her belly hanging loosely from the bottom of that top would probably be smaller than her boobs. Though, it could have been her boobs. I’m not sure. I didn’t look for too long lest I go blind.
I’m finished my beer. After thinking about all of that traumatic non-fashion sense, I need another one. Next week, I’ll tell you what I saw in the Food Court. Stay tuned!
Until next week,
As always, I love getting your feedback. What’s the worst fashion faux pas you’ve seen? And what, if anything, would you bring back from the 80’s?